


The Highest Hopes

by kaidansbioticapprentice



Series: The Future Ahead Of Us [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Amnesia, Amnesiac Shepard, Bipolar Disorder, Cerberus - Freeform, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Original Character(s), Prothean Ruins, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2013-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-11 22:59:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/804213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaidansbioticapprentice/pseuds/kaidansbioticapprentice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I will give you a part of me.My identity.And you will give me yours.Like halves of the whole.We'll meet in a new world."It was a promise given and they were determined to keep it.They would be together again.However will they be able to accomplish their destiny or fate is a higher power which will codemn them to a dystopian,half future?Shenko,OC included,EC,Citadel and Leviathan spoilers,rated T,romance,adventure and angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A is Abandonment

The Highest Hopes

Chapter 1 - A is for Abandonment

“Here,take him.”Shepard ordered James,giving him Alenko's arm. Kaidan hesitated leaving her,but he had no choice. He reluctantly crossed his arm over Vega's shoulder,shouting her name. He stared back at her.

“You gotta get out of here.”Shepard ordered them,but Kaidan couldn't accept it. He couldn't just leave her behind,get into Normandy and leave. It was wrong. So fucking wrong.

“Yeah,that's not gonna happen!”Kaidan told her,somehow a bit decisive. He seemed determined to stay there,fight,be with her. However, the Commander had a different opinion about it. Victorianna had to make sure he was safe.

“Don't argue with me,Kaidan.” Shepard tried to shield herself behind her emotions for him and her determination to the purpose she was set to finish. She looked at him through the eyes. Her words were stable,warm and leaving him no choice but obedience. Nevertheless,Kaidan didn't seem able to give up on his powers and his love.

“Don't leave me behind...” his last attempt to persuade him seemed to occur in vain but her felt that he had try. His voice was unusually low and emitting a pleading tone. Shepard's violet eyes were stuck in him. She understood. She knew.

“No matter what happens...” Olympia spoke out as she approached him. A smile started to be drawn in her face,consisting of hope,warmth and affection.

“...know that I love you. Always...”she said,as the distance between them became even smaller. She saw his face,full of blood splats. His brown eyes took a honey color,as light fell in full force on them. He looked hesitant,like his ears misheard,fuck the noise around him. Still they did not. And the slight stroke of her thumb at his cheek,confirmed her words. He could feel the cold metal of her amour,but underneath he thought of her slim fingers. The traces of her skin he charted and loved.

He remained a bit silent for a few second. He breathed and said what he had to say,what it was expected to be heard. His hand touched her palm. He held it for a moment,a perfect moment in an unperfect place,in the unperfect time.

“I love you,too...”he slowly whispered. Shepard felt content,that smile still struck in her lines,an expression she didn't use that often,but when she did,it made Kaidan the happiest man alive. He wanted to kiss her once again,to eternally keep the taste of her lips in his mouth,to have the aerie of her breath into his lungs,to keep a part of herself in him.

She let go of him. The more she stayed,the more painful it would get for both. Her face was showing promise and hope. The eyes speaking her return in his arms.

“Be careful...” he advised her,as his hand stretched to leave her palm. Shepard stepped backwards,still hopefully staring at him,before turning her head and noticing the Reaper above their heads...She had no choice...She had to save the crew,she had to save him.

“GO!!!” Shepard shouted her final order. Kaidan was stuck. His eyes were slowly getting wet and his eyebrows took a shape of desperation and guilt. His hand was still outstretched,trying to get hold of her once again. He felt his wrinkles giving him pain,while new ones seemed to pop out from nowhere. He could not just go,but the array of choices was weary. His hand fell down on his hips and the last thing he remembered was her running through the beam. James lead him backwards,and the door closed,as the rest of the soldiers went in...

Kaidan's brain entered in pause mode. He couldn't think,he couldn't see. Numbness and devastation were the things he felt growing deeper and deeper. Not again,not for the third fucking time. That was a torture,nothing more and nothing less...

 

James led him to the Med Bay. He heard Doctor Chakwas asking him to take of his armor. When he removed all the pieces of his protective metal around him,he could feel his body ache,the wounds were more intense than he could imagine,as a huge burn mark took its position on his leg. Karin applied as much medi-gel as she could but the damage should be healed by itself. And even if this kind of wound could be healed,time after time,the deep hole in his heart would never be filled.

Garrus was there,his eyes carefully examining Kaidan. His shoulders were hunched and his gaze fell on the floor,his fists a concrete power resting empty on his feet. What the turian could say which could console him? Vakarian was never a master of speech and in cases like this one,words seemed to pointlessly fail him. However,knowing Shepard and what a stubborn piece of woman she is,Garrus could only hope that she will get through,come back and tell them that “...it was a hell of a practice”.The turian smiled under his mandibles. The best damn soldier he had ever met had to come back alive or else he could never forgive her for not allowing him to pay these drinks.

Kaidan was helpless,alone,desperate and broken like a mirror's shattered pieces. Sharp and lethal,these pieces bled through his heart. He wanted to scream,he needed to cry,to smash the pain away. He found an uncharted urge to break something. He couldn't. He just couldn't.

Everyone gathered up at the med-bay,orbiting Kaidan. Tali felt lucky wearing her mask,her face was a horrible mess. Liara,who always had a way around the words,felt breathless. James had a much more concentrated look,however he felt like he was deceiving the others and more importantly,himself. Even Javik had shown a glimpse of emotion. But the worst was Kaidan .He felt an ugly deja-vu hitting him again. The funeral,her empty coffin,tears,rain,black,voices,cries...

“Not again,please Oly .Don't...I...I...love you...Fight,like you always do...”silent sobbing stroke him hard. And his biotics operated,a blue dim light flashing the room. Chakwas and Liara tried to settle him down. He resisted. He denied the truth.

And then it came.

A red explosion, something bigger than life. She made it. The Crucible fired.

The spasmodic fall of a mechanic body followed,Tali and Garrus approached EDI's lifeless body.

And the ghostly taste of her strawberry lips brushing his,a passion he never felt before,the touch of her fingertips on his cheeks and all the small things he loved on her transfixed into a mixture of affection and pain.

Her dogtags. They exchanged dogtags that last night on the Normandy,before getting to Cronos Station.

I will give you a part of me  
My identity  
And you will give me yours  
Like halves of the whole  
We'll meet in a new world

Her name was encarved there. And Kaidan felt that he was holding her tags so tightly,that he realized the smell of the blood drops on the floor. Her name was filled with his blood,And his heart was full of her memories...

 

A heavy chest. Like all the heroics she did fell up on her,in the form of uncivilized debris .A clinging  
sound ticked through her ears. Kaidan's dog tags. She could not see a thing. Her existence fell failing,unable to move and adjust.

Her thoughts were her only lull at the time being. His voice and his lips. His embrace. The way he made love to her,simply yet powerfully,lovingly and sweetly. Their first kiss. His warm whiskey colored eyes .Anything and everything which indulged Shepard to fall in love with his incredible man.

Her crew. Garrus and his obsession with calibrations. Liara and her love for the mysteries of the past. James and his silly nicknames. Tali and her passion with engineering Cortez and his gentle manners. Traynor and her signal observation abilities. Joker and his sarcastic remarks. Javik and his dysfunctional settlement with the reality. EDI and the human related questions. All the people who stood by her side and fought every unpredictable odd thrown at them.

The Normandy. Her home,her ship. What guided her way through the galaxy and opened her eyes,as human,as soldier,as a tiny part of this massive Milky Way. The marvel of co-operative engineering between humans and turians was under her command and she lost it in a glimpse of seconds. Once,twice.

Olympia felt odd,like she was stuck in a state between life and death. Unable to move she just waited to die in peace.

At least not today. Because a familiar female voice broke the deadly silence and gave Oly a motive to keep hoping. The voice came closer becoming stronger. Although she was in an wacky delirium,Shepard figured out the woman speaking.

“Miranda?Is that you?”she asked,her voice crippling. She tried to raise her hand,but the young woman stopped her.

“Keep calm,Shepard. Help is here. You did it.” she spoke calmly and slowly,allowing Shepard to analyze her words. She did what?

“The Crucible fired,the Reapers fell apart and stopped working.” Miranda answered Olympia's unsaid question. Shepard was a mess. Some sleep,medi-gel and rest couldn't harm her.

Miranda nodded her hand to some Alliance soldiers to come and retrieve Shepard's body out of the rubble. Miranda was in shock. Shepard was broken completely. She thought it ironic that she was the one who rebuilt her once,she had to watch the survivor of Mindoir and Akuze fall apart for the second time,and yet to be there to help her piece herself up again.

“Kaid...Kaid...”Shepard mumbled as they proceeded to the shuttle. Miranda held her hand,she knew.

“He escaped with the Normandy and her crew. They followed Hackett's orders,to break and rendezvous at a pre-determined spot. I'm sorry,I don't know more. But knowing Major Alenko,they will get through.”Miranda tried to reassure her,although she wasn't pretty sure if she believed what she saying.

She watched Shepard as her eyes flied away into sleep. It wasn't death,just some rest. Miranda smiled and hoped that the man Shepard loved so much could come back to her. She was waiting. For him. For them.


	2. B is for Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While the Normandy crew crashes and Kaidan takes command,initiating the reaserch for resourses, Olympia Shepard wakes up on Vancouver only to be faced with an unexpected surprise.

The Highest Hopes

Somewhere in the Galaxy

The first glimpse of the powerful sun rays was one of the primary things that made Joker wonder where they were. It was a planet like nothing he had seen before. The sky was blue, like a painting, it was a very long time since he last saw it like this. He got used to black skies with gray clouds. And plants, trees everywhere, civilization did not seem to leave a mark here. But more importantly,the air wasn't smelling like death and destruction. It was clean and fresh, like signaling the brand new beginning of the next era. The era without the fear of the Reapers.

Joker was gazing with utter surprise. He could not believe that they made it out the blast alive and got flushed out in this godforsaken place. The only thing he could remember from the Crucible's activation was a red spheric-like energy which embraced the Citadel and expanded to the rest of the galaxy. He remembered Garrus telling him that they have to go, but Joker didn't seem to realize it. He couldn't just go and vanish. And what about Shepard? Joker's heart already felt guilt for abandoning Shepard once and let her get spaced and die, almost 3 years ago, an emotion which could never let go of him. Making that even heavier,wasn't setting things easier.

Kaidan followed next. As he stepped out of the airlock, he was cautiously examining his surroundings. As his iris color took that tasty honey shade,he walked forward and stepped next to Joker. They looked each other and without speaking,the two crew mates and friends thought alike. James came out,accompanied by the rest of the crew, Garrus, Tali, Liara and Javik.

“Keelah!!” Tali exclaimed under her breather helmet. No one could see her face,however they could figure out her inside expression. Liara shot a glimpse at her. All of them looked tired and exhausted. But the astonishment marked in their eyes didn't leave them much space for numbness and tiredness. They had to figure things out. Where they where and most importantly how to find the appropriate resources and set a route in order to return home. To Earth. The Earth they claimed back from the Reapers' possessive nature.

One of the last Alliance crew members to come out was Staff Lieutenant Maya Stillman. The bright sun rays falling straight into her grey eyes caused her to lift her hand up in order to cover them. Her black hair took a slightly changed color tone and her white skin looked even whiter in the sun's influence.

Maya is a biotic and one of Kaidan's students in the spec ops squads he leads, Biotics Division. Most accurately, Maya was the leader of the Phoenix squad. She, among others was asked by Alenko's request and Shepard's permission to temporarily join the Normandy's crew. They were three and now she was the only one left. Kaidan did this in order to strengthen up the crew in case things went really bad. He couldn't even foresee what was about to come.

Maya approached Kaidan,her mouth wide open. He looked at her. He seemed tired and desperate. Joker stood next to him and was the first one to speak.

“Does anybody have any idea where are we? This planet doesn't remind me of any place I have been before.” he pointed out. What was that place?An uncharted planed maybe? Nothing was certain at that point.

“We are lost in the universe. I don't want to admit it or speak out loud about it but this is the truth. We got washed off in this tropical planet.” Maya continued.

“It kinda reminds me of Virmire.” Liara pointed out. In one scale,she was right. The trees and the rock formations hinted them a familiar environment like Virmire.

Kaidan run his hands through his hair. What about now? According to the protocol,he had to take command of the Normandy,as a Major. He also had to assign his XO and initialize all the proper actions in order to get the Normandy working again. But something inside Kaidan felt unusual,wrong,strange. The Normandy was Olympia's and not his. He could not take command of it like that. Victorianna did make him her XO, but it wasn't the same. The situation however set him back into the harsh reality. He had to stonewall his mind and think of her. Think that she is still alive and he has to go back to Earth and find her ,kiss her and tell her how much he loves her.

Kaidan sighed. He closed his eyes and tried to put his thoughts in motion. When he opened them again he turned his head and saw the Normandy's crew assembled like a fist. They were talking to each other. He could sense the doubts and fear in their eyes. He could feel uncertainty and big questions marked in their speech. Traynor was trying to identify where they were,while Garrus was openly expressing his inquiries about the crossing (or more accurately the non-crossing) of the Reapers in this land. Tali told Joker about EDI and he widened his eyes from shock. Liara and Javik were quarelling once again and James accompanied with Cortez wondered about Shepard's fate. Kaidan felt like a jerk. Shepard had a talent in keeping people together ,giving them hope and the right incentive to move on. He did not have that talent. But somehow, he knew that he had to try.

They looked at him. Maya was standing next to him and nodded her head positively. She understood what he was thinking. And that small nod gave Kaidan the courage he needed in order to do the right thing. He took a deep breath and geared himself up.

“It may not seem news to you but we are lost in an uncharted planet. Our ship is semi destroyed and we are cut off from the rest of the world. But you know something? We are Normandy's crew and Shepard,the Heroine is our Commander,our Anchor. We have been through impossible odds,tossed into situations that no normal man could stand. But she did and we were there for her. We stood by her side when she needed us,like when we needed her. We fought for her,by her side as she did for all of us. And now,we will go back to her,because she will be waiting for us. Take heart and sum up you courage,I'm not gonna lie the road that lies ahead of us is rough. But we are used to play rough. And we will fight our way back home....”

As Kaidan was speaking,Maya noticed the change in the crew's faces. It was like they weren't afraid or doubtful anymore. Uncertainty got replaced by grins and smiles. They were building up their hopes. Kaidan was talking calmly,but strongly at the same time. His eyes were about to break down,but he was going on. He needed the crew in one piece,in order to succeed in returning back to Earth.

“Any personal matters between you,should be left aside. We have to be strong and fight as one. We need each other in order to accomplish our return back home. We faced our enemy together. Keep in mind what Shepard told you before the final battle. And united as a fist,we can accomplish greatness...”

He stopped for a bit. Everyone seemed tangled by his words. They were motivational, but Kaidan looked lost in a role it didn't fit him. He was a leader,but he wasn't Shepard. She was unique. Like a field of yellow tulips,she was a red tulip. Her fierce color made her stand out of the rest flowers in the field.

Kaidan's mind stopped. He remembered when he bought her a bunch of red roses,while they were on shore leave,two weeks before the Collector attack on the Normandy SR-1. Shepard was surprised at first,because she wasn't used to receive flowers. In fact no one ever bought her flowers before. He thought that it was too risky. Vicky had another opinion about it though. Her hands gently took the small bundle of red roses and started stroking their soft petals. She was looking so beautiful that night,her black dress was perfect on her curved body. And then,she smiled and placed a light kiss on his lips,like raindrops were falling upon his mouth.

Kaidan woke up. Suddenly and abruptly. He saw the crew and she wasn't there. Kaidan wanted to cry. Leaving her once was pain but twice was a nightmare,a ghostly thought that kept leaving and coming back. His heart somewhere deep inside him pictured Shepard on a hospital bed struggling to live and while on her paralysis was calling his name. He had to go back,he had to find her alive and kiss her. He had to find her and promise her that he will stay there forever and he won't leave her again ever. He missed the smell of her hair and the bright color of her purple eyes. He missed the small scar under her lower lip and the one on her forehead. He just missed everything hers

“Do you trust me?” Kaidan asked the crew. They all lift their heads up and looked at him. They stared to each other. Doubts got settled again. But then a young voice was heard. A female voice strong and determined.

“I do!” Maya spoke out,catching their attention. She looked each one in the eyes and vice versa. Kaidan gazed her,while a small breeze passed through her black,long wavy hair.

“I might be a new face to you. But not for Major Alenko. For the history,I met Kaidan one year ago in Alliance HQ,at Vancouver. Having taken over the Biotics Division program, he approached me, after a lot of commendations from Admiral Hackett, and asked me to join his squad. I was surprised and reluctant at first. But I think about it now and I call myself foolish and stupid for hesitating. Why? Because Kaidan helped me to finally come to terms with myself. I embraced my biotics and my condition...” Maya paused for a bit. Joker laughed.

“What's so funny,Jeff?”Maya angrily asked. Joker was pretty provoking as he stared laugh more.

“So now what? Are you gonna tell us that you are deaf or something?Cause this is not that dramatic...” he replied. Maya grinned. It always came to this far when she was opening up to people about her problem.

“Compared to Vrolik's Syndrome,no I think you condition is more dramatic. But what about Bipolar Disorder? How dramatic do you think that is? How drama does it cause to a human to be high as fuck for a certain amount of time and then become a fucking Husk for equal time? How much drama do you think a man can hide when he hasn't slept normally for the past 6 goddamn years? When he cannot stay focused even for a little bit? When he goes on making fucking bullshit,able to harm him self or worse kill him? When he bubbles too fucking much without reason? Huh?” Maya shouted as she approached Joker. The exchanged an angry look. But Joker git her point.

“So,this man helped me go through it. He embraced my heart when others abandoned me,when others didn't give a share if I balance between sanity and paranoia. I trust him! And I will aid him the best I can in order to go home!” Maya spoke even louder. Liara looked terrified, but then she saw reason.

“I'm with Kaidan. I can recall the first time I got aboard on the Normandy. He helped me become a real part of the crew. And I owe that to him. And what kind of friend I would be if didn't help him now?” Liara said smiling,as she walked and stood next to Kaidan. Tali followed next,accompanied with Garrus.

“We were mates from the very beginning of this story. And we'll be there until the very end of it.” Tali told Kaidan. Soon all members followed. James,Cortez, Traynor, Javik and Joker. Kaidan smiled and we

“Alright people! We need to organize! James and Maya will scout the west side of the area for mineral resources and any kind of eatable stuff you can find. Garrus and I will take the east side. Tali and Traynor, see what you can do about EDI,if you can find some way to bring her back online please do it. Cortez and Joker,go to the engineering and prepare a report about the drive core's damage. We will figure out the rest as soon we finish our assignments. Adjust your omni-tools so we can keeps in contact.”Kaidan said and everyone set up their onmi-tools.

“Let's go,people!Shepard is waiting!”he shouted and left with Garrus somewhere in the East.

 

Earth

The soft mattress felt unusual to Shepard. Her fist got catch of the white blanket embracing her. She felt her hand heavy,the amount of cables and tubes around her was big enough to hinder her movements. She blinked her eyes for a few moments,as the sun hit her blue iris through her thin eyelashes. She groaned.

With much difficulty, Shepard turned her head and saw a woman hovering over her head. She was in her mid 50s, with grayed hair and stunning blue eyes. She had a graceful smile on her face and she was wearing a medical gown.

“Where...Where am I?”Shepard asked the woman. As she tried to lift her hand,the doctor stopped her,placing it gently down again.

“Relax,Commander. You are safe,you are in a room in Alliance's Medical Center,in Vancouver. They brought you here a few days ago.” the woman was speaking calmly. She had an light voice,easy in the ears.

Shepard remembered. Miranda brought her here with some Alliance soldiers. Where is Miranda?

“Doc...” Shepard asked the woman.

“Please call me Adelaide. My name is Dr. Adelaide Stillman. It's an honor and a privilege to meet you, Commander. If you are looking for Ms Lawson,she is outside at the hall with Ms Goto. But first of all,I would like to talk to you for a little bit.”Adelaide asked Shepard. Shepard nodded her head in acceptance. Adelaide approached Shepard's bed once again and helped her adjust herself in a sitting position.

“So...Adelaide,right?What do you want to tell me?First of all, what about my health.?”Shepard asked worried. Adelaide took a seat next to her.

“Commander...You are an incredibly lucky woman. You lived that blast,which no normal person could survive. Of course,there were many implications. Your cybernetic implants were fried out. Your biotic amp is also damaged severely. You have burn marks and scars which will be healed soon enough. Your left leg and your right arm are broken,but with intense care,you will be restored quickly enough.”Adelaide added.

“This sounds good enough. I assume...”Shepard said low voiced. It seemed that Stillman was hiding something more. Shepard needed to know.

“Is there something else, Adelaide?” Shepard asked making her sigh. She didn't know how to say that. She just woke up and this kind of news could cause her a great deal of shock.

“Yes,actually. I have to ask you some personal questions.” Adele requested Olympia. In turn, Oly was getting a bit scared. What if the news had to do with Kaidan? What if something bad happened to them. Shepard wasn't sure if she really wanted to listen to that kind of news. However, curiosity overcame.

“Go on,Ms Stillman.” Shepard gave her permition to ask her.

“Commander, while you were on your ship,have you been sexually active?” Adelaide asked Shepard. Olympia widened her eyes in shock. But before letting her rage explode about that kind of question,Adelaide rushed to explain herself.

“I'm sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable Commander. But believe it or not,I know how it is to break the regs. More accurately, I married my ship's CO. So there is no need to feel ashamed about breaking the regs. Can you answer my question,Commander?” Adelaide pressed Shepard more.

Olympia bowed her head down. Kaidan. She was in love with this man,she made love to this man. She wants him back,she wants his voice and eyes falling on her, filling her with love. His soothing words giving her courage. His lips brushed on her skin. And his embrace making feel like home.

“Yes...” Shepard whispered. No shame for it,but endless melancholia and sadness. She is alive but what about him? Where is he? Can she look after for him? What can she do to find him...?

“Commander,I don't know how to break this to you,but...your birth control chip failed one month ago...In other words...” Adelaide tried to finish her sentence. Shepard understood. She was in shock and her tears got increased,running down her face.

“I'm pregnant...How?” Shepard was whispering wearily. Her bandaged hands cupped her face,as her fingers got entangled with her hair.

“It's a miracle. We don't know,but we assume that your armor protected your belly and your stomach. The embryo is unharmed.” Adelaide was going on but Shepard wasn't sure that she wanted to listen more. She wanted to cry and shout,scream and sob. She was stuck in a hospital bed,semi alive,carrying Kaidan's child in her and he is missing,unknown if he is alive or dead.

“Doc...Could you please leave me alone...?And call Lawson and Goto to see me in 10 minutes.?Please...?” Shepard fell embarrassed for acting like that. However,her psychology was so turned upside down that she couldn't think of nothing.

“Of course,Commander....”Adelaide whispered and stepped back. And when the door closed behind her,the show started. She started sobbing and crying. Her tears were running like rivers down her cheeks. She was desparate and alone...

Kaidan...Please...Come back...I need you...We need you...Please...Please...

She touched her belly,still unable to believe that a child was there. Their child was there. It was made with love in a moment of desperation and passion.

Kaidan...We did it...I said once that I didn't want children,but you know what.? This is a special child because its ours. If you can hear me out there, please I need you...Please...


End file.
